I am officially drained.   My eyes are soo tired, along with my whole body.  That guy i like has not talked to me today. Can you say "used and abused?" That is what i feel like right now.  I got a lot accomplished today for the most part.   Starting to feel kinda empty though. Can you blame me? I am not going to text/call him until he calls me first. I want to be pursued. I used to be pursued then i gave myself to him.  Yes i know i am dumb.  I need to be happy with myself and not what others can give me.  I would be happier if this week was not so stressful. But, of course it is.   

im gonna take the time to write to god,

God,

  obviously you know i have a lot on my heart right now.  I am pretty much at my breaking point.  And the worse thing is, is that im not doing anything to stop it.  Why do i turn to things of this world to make me happy? I know you can satisfy me. So please satisfy me.  Let me not seek after guys affection or a beautiful body for happiness. But let me seek you, I want to fall in love with you.  And i want to think of you throughout the day, and not a guy.  They will fail me but you wont. Thank you for listening.  God wash me of my sins and please forgive me for all the things i have done against you. I am sorry and i want to be renewed and live for you.  I want that spot in heaven.  I love you lord

I am totally talking to this guy. And i did not think i was so interested in him until now.  I really am falling for him, but im not sure if he feels the same.   He is already getting everything he wants from me, why would he want a relationship? That makes sense right?  Any tips on how to make him want me? I am not even sure if i want to officially date this guy. But i want him to officially date me for sure.  He is by far the sweetest, outgoing, and most attractive guy that i have been interested in, for awhile.   Hope i did not mess this one up.  He took me out to a romantic dinner the other day for valentines and it was amazing. absolutely amazing.   I would love to do it again. I just hope he wants too.  God is still in the back of my mind everyday.  I am not doing the right thing. I need God. A lot. I just cant get to him, and i wish i had more friends that would share the same view with me. I know drinking is bad, and i know doing sexual things before you are married is not what God wants. But these desires of a normal college kid life are too tough at times.  Who doesnt want to fit in?  

Crazy--- i was so happy until i starting writing my feelings down like this, like i was REAL giddy about this thing going on.  Now i feel ashamed, and dirty.  

Another thing, wow, this past week i missed all my classes on tuesday and thursday because i was sooo hung over on thursday. I threw up like non stop for about 12 hours.   It was awful. SICKKKK. And yet i still drank this past weekend. im dumb.  I need to stop drinking on school nights.  That is a definite start. I think i can handle that. And im gaining weight again. Greatttt.... FML. hah fml, love that saying! I need to start doing my homework but i feel like just typing out my feelings.

I am really stressed.  19 hours of study hall for my sorority this week.  Who has time like that? Then i need to teach myself math for the stuff i missed this past week.  Get a dress for a party this weekend! ah! im screwed. God pull me through.  Pull me through!

  - college girl

a lot has happened

So i am officially over my ex.  I have three love interests, and they do not know about eachother. Which i think is okay, mainly because i have not devoted my time to one person. I dont plan on it either.  I have finally started to feel beautiful.  The main reason is because i have been healthier and working out, so im losing weight.  Guys are starting to notice, and i feel pretty in this skin.  I really like this one guy....but he wants to get serious..and i dont at all.  Im starting to realize the joys of college life. its a beautiful thing.  I just got done writing a hideous paper. Im so glad that is over with, and i am going to be exhausted during all of my classes today. but oh well. My dad has announced he is engaged. It is crazy, i never thought i would have a step mom.  She is nice but totally different and unexpected. I could NEVER imagine the two of them growing old together.  I have been pretty distant with my family, its sad. I miss them , but its so hard to find the time in the day to get a call out.  I am selfish and wrapped up in my own time. It sucks.  

On another note, im doing much better in school so far.  but it has been hard to balance my social life with school since i actually have one now.  I go out on wednesday and thursdays and the weekend some times.  And yes, i drink.  But i have been taking more control over it.  but i do love me some wine :) im going to bed. love you. Thanks for the readers. please comment on feedback. 

 signed,

  HAPPY college girl.

the intro.

I am using this blog to let out emotions I cannot express.  I will not state who I am or any other details.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of ten months, the longest relationship i have had.  I will tell you i am a freshman at a big school, 18 years old, member of a sorority, and a freshman.  We started dating when i was a senior in high school and he was a sophomore at a college 2 hours away. Once i started going to college we were closer and the drive was only and hour and fifteen minutes.  I thought it would work.  Once i joined a sorority i was surrounded by the party scene every day of the week, and an endless amount of boys to flirt with.  I would never cheat on my boyfriend, ever.  And i did love him, and i think i always will care for him.  I started to compare him to other guys and wish he was more like them. As awful as that sounds.  I wish he was taller, and i wish he was not so cheap.  I spend so much money on clothes cause my dad is really well off, and my ex was rich but so cheap.   He would make me feel guilty if i wanted to get an appetizer for dinner, which eventually lead to me thinking that he thought i was fat.  I am not fat, i have boobs and hips, but i am not fat.  I also wanted him to be at the same school as me.  He was at one of our rival schools and he was obsessed with it.  When i was in high school i was so satisfied with our relationship.  Once college started it totally changed.  It made me think how could he be so happy with me when he is already in college.  This past month we have been off and on. Whenever i was drunk i would break up with him on the phone and stuff.  He is NOT sensitive but he would cry.  And for some reason, i wanted him to cry.  I wanted him to hurt like i had.  After we had a break i made out with another guy, which absolute killed my boyfriend.  And once we got back together and broke up again i made out with another one.  I am not a whore.  I get lonely, and i want to feel wanted and loved and sexy.  I like doing things out of the ordinary.  And i thought by kissing other guys it would make me get over him too.  It has been about two weeks now that me and my ex have broken up.  And i refuse to get back together with him.  Sure, i miss having someone to talk to and having the comfort of knowing he is there.  But i am over it. I really am.  This is all i want to talk about tonight, if any of you guys have any questions please tell me.  I am going to try to start doing this as a daily habit from now on. Well, i am off to shower then watch some nip/tuck and hopefully fall asleep before 4 in the morning. I am a night owl.

-your freshman girl